The Pathway of a Conscientious Objector

a liberation social workers reflection on conscience, conscientiousness, higher consciousness

Uprooting from an institution that has been a reliable space of economic stability, training and development, coaching and mentorship, and introduction to multiculturalism is quite perplexing for a committed professional. It never dawns on you that one day, the beliefs of yesterday no longer serve the purpose of today after spending over a decade assimilating to the ethos, creeds, and values that undergird the professionalization of becoming a Soldier and subsequently advancing through leadership positions commensurate with respective rank structures. This unforeseen, unprecedented crisis creates insurmountable confusion that distorts perspective and paralyzes the cognitive ability to apply discernment to a paradoxical situation. It is a daunting reality when the race to retirement is within the distance with family members on the sideline, vehemently cheering and praising you for keeping your feet and legs turning across the finishing. What happens if your instinct and intuition illuminate another path with vague directional guidance? Do you take that leap of faith or continue your journey on the path of internal resistance? I formulated these philosophical inquiries at the metaphorical crossroads of prudential contemplation.

The state of cognitive dissonance is psychologically, emotionally, socially, and professionally overwhelming for the person who finds themselves disguising their true convictions and intentions behind the veil of repression. Donning the veil becomes second nature, inevitably, the primary method of entering inexcusable spaces that incite extreme ambivalence, shame, and perturbance. Exercising honesty and authenticity means coming to terms with that sense of self that has insistently receded from accepting the personhood undergoing restructuring and transformational change. Self-doubt and personal judgment creep into the psyche as a defensive mechanism applying for protection from hardwired, entrenched belief systems derivative from a familiar, supposedly reliable source. Self-gaslighting becomes the product of this toxic concoction as the voice of contradictions, hypocrisy, and vitriol applies unbearable pressure on rationality and logic. The perspective is blurry and somewhat obscured, and the objective is even murkier. The only way out of this pit of misery and despair is to acknowledge that the veil impedes the ability to widen the outlook and expand the perspective. I searched for a counseling expert who could guide me to enriching knowledge, truth, and much-needed wisdom. I went to the Google search engine, typing in different phrases and words that resulted in no real, functional outcome. After wasting valuable time with no real conception of what I was looking for, I typed in the following words: "conscientious objector counselor," and my eyes locked on the Center of Conscience and War website. Do I click the URL? Or will I succumb to the veil of repression?

Accessing the Center of Conscience of War link opened my eyes to the definition of conscientious objection, the supporting regulations, misconceptions, and myths, and an email and phone number to contact a CO counselor. I called the number after perusing the site and feeding myself the knowledge to frame language for improved communication. Fortunately, I could talk to an amicable counselor who, with compassion and an earnest ear, permitted me to tell my story unabridged, unfiltered, and uninterrupted. That 90-minute conversation was what I needed to express boldly and openly the turmoil in my heart and mind as not a faint of imagination but rather a sign of incongruence and spiritual imbalance. Oh, how patient, tolerable, and warm the CO counselor was as I tried diligently to express my disheartening concerns about perpetuating a false identity - every time I laced my combat boots and placed the Army patrol cap upon my head. I can only imagine her frame of mind and disposition when I made the attempts to connect my psychological distress to the fundamental principle of any military institution: "defend the Constitution of the United States against all enemies, foreign and domestic." In retrospect, I could have taken some deep breaths, a tactful pause in between significant points, or invited clarifying questions to help bridge the gap between statements and meaning. Her response remains imprinted in my memory: "Kyle, everything you have described to me sounds like you're a conscientious objector." Mind blown!

In that fleeting moment, the transformation process that I have committed myself to started to make sense, notwithstanding being affirmed of my conscientious objection beliefs, morals, and ethics. All the readings and speeches of Martin Luther King Jr., Malcolm X, Gandhi, and Marcus Garvey culminated in this moment of clarity, bittersweet clearness of the spiritual, moral, and ethical implications amid dismantling an immobile identity and espouse the process of unlearning, relearn, and learn. In "Where Do We Go From Here; Chaos or Community," Martin Luther King Jr. said, "A productive and happy life is not something you find; it is something you make." in Malcolm X's famous The Ballot or the Bullet speech he said, "Once you change your philosophy, you change your thought pattern. Once you change your thought pattern, you change your attitude. Once you change your attitude, it changes your behavior pattern, and then you go on to some action." I recognized that to maximize eternal happiness, I had to operationalize the psychological, behavioral, and emotional transformation into productive action. No more allowing internal distress to amplify fearful thinking, which creates an outcome of dread, misery, and indefatigable doubt. Seizing the moment was more than a revelation of how self-study, research, analysis, and reflection on pivotal experiences expanded my perspective and shifted my philosophy, attitude, and orientation to the world. It became about the principle of reconstructing a narrative anchored in the richness of applying self-awareness of thoughts, behaviors, and experiences that promote blissful thinking and actioning.

Once I came to terms, I gave myself the stamp of approval to live abundantly, unapologetically, and unabashedly. I earnestly decided to allow the knowledge, truth, and wisdom acquired through the process of crystallization to guide my conceptions, communication, character, relationship management, and commitment to achieve higher-level greatness amid existential uncertainty and chaos. A daunting feat that required an intolerable amount of immeasurable mindfulness, intermixed with a paradigm shift that life is worth living and plunging into new beginnings are byproducts of a renewed mindset, orientation to life endeavors, and restructuring of priorities and values. Nothing about this process screams simplistic or streamlining; otherwise, military propaganda and institutional rhetoric would undergird servicemembers' invariable responses to moral tragedies and atrocities. On the contrary, transformation and evolution are welcomed if they are intended to serve the interests and strategic objectives of the executive branch and defense department. Seeking compliance and conformity without considering the moral and ethical forces that shape resistance, dissension, and objection is repressive disenfranchisement. I vehemently fear that if conscientious objection or at least the idea that a 21st-century servicemember experiencing moral injury, either from direct involvement in war or observing the unscrupulous effects of military destruction and annihilation, becomes a mere afterthought, then suffering servicemembers will fall deeper into the abyss of despair, depression, and darkness.